Analyze the Nature of your Big Crush to Reveal the Secrets of the Universe

Stare down your throbbing heart and tell it who's boss (it)

“Let’s get out of here,” my hostel crush whispered to me. I looked around the pitch black techno cave we were dancing in, feeling only a tiny hint of remorse to leave this dank oasis. More so, I was excited to follow this beautiful man up onto the streets of Mexico City. I extended my hand and he led me up the stairs, out of the subterranean club, using his free had to demand an Uber. How exciting! I was going home with this super cute boy I had instantly connected with hours earlier, after sidling up to his group on the astroturf-clad rooftop of our hostel. “The car’s here,” he declared, his back still to me. “Ready to get in?” He turned to face me and my mouth dropped. This was not my hostel crush. It was his best friend!

Shaking my head in disbelief, I bolted for the stairs back into the techno dungeon. I was in shock. I had surely been dancing with the real guy at some point! Had they pulled a switcheroo? I located the Original inside and awkwardly articulated the previous events and my true desires. I laid it all on the table. But there was no going back to my first choice. The tone had changed. Some sort of techno vortex had scrambled everything.

I recount this tale, not to air my dirty laundry, nor invite conspiracies about the technicalities of the switcheroo, but to shine a spotlight on desire. On the relationship to knowing and pursuing what we want. In the past, I would have been way too scared to vulnerably admit my true feelings and face rejection, especially given the awkward and unprecedented experience of the switcheroo. Even though the honest pursuit of my crush did not bear fruits, I always support my own proud declarations of love, even when my desired outcome doesn’t pan out. This brings me to todays topic:

Hot Gurl Freakz Rulez O Da Game Rule 1: Say yes to what you want

That sounds simple enough…but how do you know what you want?

In romance, it’s obvious. The fiery excitement of a crush lights up my whole body, and is a clear somatic indication of, “Go here! Yoohoo, this one!” Crushes are mysterious; my affinity for someone is instantaneous and feels completely out of my control. Conversely, I can’t think myself into liking someone who’s good on paper. Its chemistry, baby!

Recognizing what I want in my life is similar to realizing that I have a crush on someone. It’s a felt sense: a lit-up feeling in my body. This feeling of enthusiasm is my North Star. I’m not talking about a superficial, cake and MDMA kind of excitement, though I’m here for a party, to be sure. I am instead referencing a deep, somatic excitement. An existential excitement I feel in my body which can often point me towards doing something that my mind is actively fighting against, like washing dishes. I recognize this quality of excitement as an expansive feeling in my bod. I dare say, it feels like I’m being pulled forward along this mysterious path by a golden rope attached to my stomach.

When I need to make a decision, rather than asking myself an open-ended question, I give myself two options, then listen to my body’s response to each. For example, rather than asking myself what I want to do tonight, I’ll ask, “do you want to hit the damn town?” (listen for expansion or contraction) or “stay in and organize your toothpaste collection?” (listen again.) An expansion feels like my body is blossoming open with light like a flower in the sun. A contraction feels like my energy is being pulled and condensed inward into a ball.

I wonder about how others’ intuitions speak to them. Through emotions, thoughts, or primal instincts? Maybe colors, sounds, or symbols? “Every time I need to shit I see butterflies!” My approach is to usurp the intervention of my well intentioned, but toddler-level-of-wisdom mind. Oh mind, you sweet little baby, you don’t know what the hell is goin on! Tuning into the bod helps me reroute around this clutzy baby.

Okay, so I know what I want. But how do I go after it?

Obvz there is a billion ways to eat a fish, as the expression goes. For me, I experience the “going after it” part as surrendering to my desire. Allowing myself to feel it fully without resistance. Just existing in that energy, and then looking for breadcrumbs in the form of intuitive feelings.

Let’s return to the microcosm of romance. When I was younger, I was often tending to an absolutely blazing crush. My feelings were quite clear. But what was I to do next? I felt way too fearful to honestly embody my feelings. I remember being in 4th grade and thinking the only way to relate to a crush was to ignore him. The vulnerability of openly liking someone was unfathomable. But over the years, I realized this approach was extremely ineffective. Driven by impatience (I can’t sit around and wait to be asked out forever), I crafted a new strategy: to be open, clear, and direct with my feelings. It took me a while to work out the kinks to this approach; for a decade or so I came on way too strong. But over time, I found the balance and power in honestly sharing my feelings, often nonverbally.

My suspicion is that the experience of pursuing a crush offers a gateway into connecting to the wisdom of the body, and may offer a template for pursuing other things in life. What if the stuff I’m meant to fill my life up with: activities, pursuits, friendships, what to eat for dinner……what if these were all little crushes? Little magnets I’m attracted to or not, and the only way to figure it out is to tune into my body’s unique language of perception?

So what now, clutch the object of my desire so hard that if it were a frog, its eyes would pop out?

Precisely…the opposite of that. At long last, I’ve begun to recognize a third key piece of my Romance Matrix: non attachment. No grasping! Open heart, open palm. Love ‘em, and let ‘em go at the same time. Balancing the wide open heart, whole-ass showing of my feelings to the people that I’m interested in, but simultaneously practicing non attachment.

Similarly, this book that I literally cant recommend enough summarizes the core wisdom of the Bahavad Ghita as:

1. Find your dharma (your sacred life’s work in the world)

2. Do it full out!

3. Let go of the fruits

While this wisdom is specifically referring to enacting one’s sacred work in the world, it feels universal. When I practice releasing the fruits of desire, or the attachment to outcome, I generally feel hecka better. I don’t wan’t to live my life in clench-mode, which I have a tendency to do.

Soooooooooooo this is all speculative. Take what ya like, leave what ya don’t! Or don’t even do that! Or don’t even do that! (Echo echo echo) The main nail in the coffin that I’m trying to drive home is the value of self knowledge, of connection to intuition, and to living a life filled with elements that we are excited by! Playing with energy and matter, and pursuing excitement with an open heart, and an open palm.

I’d love to hear what your relationship to your intuition is. Does it speak to you, and what language does it use? Sound off in the comments or message me!

Also if you want to support the growth of this work, I would deeply appreciate it if you would share it with 1 baberoo who you think might potennnttiiiiaallllllyyyyyyyyy enjoy. ❤️‍🔥

Sending so much love!

xxooxoxxoxo

gussiip Glur